Everything stopped, months  and  years of the noises and voices in my head all the plates spinning getting faster and faster over the last few months and louder and louder. Suddenly stops and everything  crashes to the ground.

Broken  pieces lay all around me and there is a deafening  silence. All I can do is freeze, be still and just look at the mess around me. But I’m strangely grateful for the numbness and the silence that has come over me like a sudden crashing wave.

I am looking at all the pieces, I realised some of those plates that have been spinning weren’t even mine to have to hold. They are other people’s plates pushed on for me by my inability to set my own boundaries. Some  of those plates I definitely want to pick up because they’re part of me, I am just struggling with them at the moment. Others I don’t even know if I want them back, maybe they are broken and that’s where they need to stay.

I’m frozen in that moment of switching  from fighting to freeze and now I don’t know what to do. The only thing I can think of to do or say is help. I realise I can’t carry on.

It’s not an unfamiliar feeling, I’ve felt it before,  over the last few years. This time it’s an intensified feeling. I know this time. I can’t do it alone.