How do I reset?
I think it’s the case of allowing myself to process these thoughts. I began to realise I had all these boxes inside me and they all just suddenly blew open. However, I do being a creative I see them as little pretty black boxes. They are full of places and spaces that I’ve been unwilling or unable to explore. Little black boxes that are decorated with some kind of old-fashioned pearl inserts of flowers, birds or some kind of pretty pattern.
The boxes fly open and out of those boxes come this black mist. Within that black mist, there are scattered words, within a black smog. I can see them and yet I can’t fully make them out, what they are telling me. I realise then, that there are so many years, I have suppressed all of this within myself. Probably since a young child or a a teenager. An opening to the things I’ve put to the side. How I feel about situations. What I’m thinking , how and what I feel has been suppressed, for all this time. I’ve always been that person who is trying to make sure everybody else is OK. But am i ok? Looking at and thinking about, how I feel and what am I thinking?
I had put all I feel and have felt to the side. To be able to try and focus on helping those around me and protect them from the onset from events. Situations and events around me that have happened. Always trying to cushion others feelings, that may come from these events. Feeling responsible to have to focus on others and how I can try to soften life for them, the people I care about around me. Always trying and maybe expeted to be the buffer, protector and sorter.
Yet all that time, I was suppressing my own needs and my own thoughts. I have not allowed myself to feel.
Now, many years later, as adult and a mum, I am still burdened by my past trauma -and in need is help and support. I begin to think who is protecting me? Am I protecting us? That’s my job now.
I need to release myself as that a younger child, young adult and beliefs I told myself and had lived by. Thoughts of, if I solve this, then they’ll be okay. And if they’re okay, I’m okay.
Those boxes couldn’t hold anymore and eventually they had and have recently opened. Only now do I realised I’m not okay and I can’t fix or protect everybody else.
I can do my best to be there for them and to help them, but I need to stop trying to let these things happen, stop trying to fix everything. I feel as the middle child of a separated family, I somehow felt it was my responsibility to do that and always be the mediator.
In doing this, I was actually putting myself in the middle of it all, creating my own problems later in life and being in an uncomfortable place. I was allowing myself to be that person all of the time and it has eventually become tiring and on reflection not helped me.
It’s worn me out and I’m tired out by being feeling I’m the one that ends up getting the brunt of it, the blame. As the messenger, the buffer, the hurt always landed and came back to me. Yet those around, I feel , remain a little immune, they have been cushioned from the bigger picture. They don’t fully see the damage that could have been, if I hadn’t have tried as I did and do. They stay, hopefully protected slightly, by my attempts of intervention. Sadly it’s only now that I realise that’s , what I’ve been doing for a huge amount of my life.
It’s time for me to help me and move forwards . To look at those little black boxes and let them fly open, so I can now work on them. For me. Allow myself to understand and process these events, for myself. Try to understand how they have made me feel, the consequences of me trying to be that buffer. Allow myself to actually feel my own feelings, from the boxes , situations/events. How it did it at the time and still now affect me?
To stop looking and second guessing how it affected everybody else. Begin to realise that my life is about pushing myself forward, how do I feel and sitting with it now. What do I and my son need ? Letting go and processing some of this, to allow myself to put us first now.
That’s where I’m at and it’s really hard for someone who’s always put others first. With the best I intentions that I felt, thought i was doing at that time.
I’ve made mistakes, we all have. I never set out to make others suffer or hurt, the opposite. I was trying to do the best, in the situation and with what was In front of me at that time…. Trying to help, those who needed it most in the time.
Yet, where has all that gotten me? So I’m trying to do work on this , for myself and my little family, put us first and our needs.
I absolutely need some boundaries, something I’m not so good at . But I am seeing and learning all the time how I need to protect myself or my son. If I don’t, I will never be able shift this heavy load hanging over me. I need to start honouring myself and keep doing this. It has been such a big eye opener for me and that’s where my journey in healing has to begin.