Get a grip

Griping is different to getting a grasp. 

Where does one go now? Well, I think for me it’s a case of looking back and yes, investigating those  boxes. The trauma that is related to those boxes. Being able to eventually accept the condition that I’ve been given since I had Ethan and all that has happened since then.  It’s a condition that is called Pre Mental Dysphoric Disorder. A condition which I will talk about a little bit later, in my blogs.  To hopefully raise more awareness for this condition because not many people know of it.  I hope by doing this it  will resonate to others. Already by  talking about this condition in the past , I know of  two of my social media followers have since been diagnosed with the condition. Others are now  openly talking about how they feel, because I have. 

Yes right now, it’s a case of unpacking those boxes and looking into them. Begin that journey and accepting this is where I’m at.

Lately, thankfully I have felt a little bit of a shift in my mood. I don’t feel so heavy, so tired or for some reason so angry. I feel a little bit lighter within myself. Maybe talking openly or just by doing simple things to look after myself. 

But thankfully I feel that  I am beginning to know what is going on within myself. Therefore I am able to have an understanding of what I need to do.. …so I feel with that i am becoming a little bit lighter.

I am acknowledging that I’m not the best person sometimes, I don’t always handle life well. Do any of us?  We do what we do , with a cards on the table at the time. Therefore sometimes, we/I get it wrong. During recent family events, emotions have got the better of me. I realise now, it’s because there are so many of these emotions and heightened states of emotion.  Lately they have felt too much and have been out of control.

I let them get the better of me, sadly. Its’s  not as easy as getting a grip of them. Without knowing what I need to get a grasp of. I can’t get a grip if I don’t know what it is Im trying to hold on to or let go of. 

I’m trying really hard to look at all of the past issues,  where I’m at now and consolidating them. Allow myself to dive deeper and really look into it all. Making myself uncomfortable with digging into the places I haven’t wanted to go , deep within myself.  With a knowledge that I’ve not always got it right, yet I am willing to learn, admit fault and explore. 

I am by no means a perfect person, who is? I make a lot of mistakes. Out of those mistakes, there’s never any hurt intended or a plan to unsettle others.

Simply…. (Or not so)…. these emotions have got the better of me. They have caused hurt to others and myself in letting them out. Opened things that I need to work through, for me. I need to see and feel, what has come from that.  Or I will never be able to process or learn from them.

I need to realise  what it is I can do differently. I see what I need to do to change. By looking at my own  patterns of behaviour. The ones I’ve made my go to, what  I’ve always done and see they’re not working for me now.

Try to work out why they’re not working now and look at the bigger picture. How can I make some new patterns and coping skills? How I can now, make a life that’s happy?  I don’t want to be in this place. 

I’m allowing myself to explore these things.  Open myself up to the past events, history and see where I am at with them.

To reflect on my own history.  Me as a whole and my triggers. To finally let myself put them into a place where I can deal with them.  Move forward and know I can be in a good place, because I don’t want to be in this place I’m at.  It’s not a place people choose to be in or want to dwell in. It’s not a case of being happy to linger here. It’s a place that I’ve put myself in or maybe allowed myself to be put. I can either keep going in this place…..which I bet I’ve been doing for a while. Or realise now it’s my life . How I can get me out of this?

What is it actually want? What do I need? Let go of the constant feeling of needing to protect. Who I was or felt that I should be.  See that it’s okay to develop as a person. It’s important to set your own boundaries, grow and see where I need to go in order to do that.

It’s quite a refreshing mindset and weirdly a nice place to be, despite the circumstances. Because for the first time in a long time, it’s  for me.

There’s  no one else that’s going to do this for me. There’s no magic button. I am not going to wake up one day and everything’s going to be ok and reset. I have to do this. I have to do this because it’s what I want. Change is something I have to want and to do, for me.

We all have suffering, we all have unhappy times. Accept yes, I am going to have that for the rest of my life because of the condition that I have (which as I said, I’ll talk on later, PMDD) but I have to make the good days good. I have to make the not so good days a little bit brighter. To know that there’s hope ahead and I can do this.  I matter and that’s really a lovely place to be.