So work stopped completely.

It took me about 10 days really stop , from being signed off by the GP as unfit for work . Obviously, being self-employed I couldn’t just stop. There were things I needed to do , orders that had to go out , my websites needed to be shut down. Tying up of loose ends.

I really struggled to do these things.  Its then realised just how much everything was affecting me. As while doing this I would normally be quite calm and collected, but I wasn’t. I was shaking. I was nervous. My heart was beating out of my chest. It was feeling that wouldn’t wish on anybody. And I didn’t know where it was coming from…. Apart from me.

So finally work was finished and I could rest ,the school holidays began. Ethan had some time with his dad and that gave me space  and time to really focus on myself and try to rest my nervous system. Reflect and process all the latest things that had happened.

I’m not going to go into them as it’s too personal. But what really triggered this? I suppose, what was the cherry on top of the cake? From struggling to get through day-to-day to becoming so completely broken and unable to do anything .

So when work finally stopped, I found myself at a bit of a loss. Deep down there’s that feeling of guilt that you should be doing.

As a creative person I was missing my creative outlet. So I continued to be creative in the workshop. To take myself out there and make but creating the things that I wanted to make, for myself.

Hence my otter leaded piece recently. There was one day, I was out in the garden and two otters came swimming down the river. Something I haven’t ever seen here before. I was intrigued by this sight.  I researched what it meant to see otters. The result was about opening yourself up to experiencing more joy I life and be playful. To live a life that made you happy.

With that inspiration i created a piece featuring some otters. From there I just took time to actually do things that I wanted to do in the workshop. Enjoying that time to think and explore. I find that when I’m in a creative zone that  I’m either in the moment and  absorbed by it, which is great because you’re switched off to everything.  Or it’s a case of being able to process things that are on your mind. I’m not talking what  am I going to make for tea? But deeper than that.

Sadly  after that I reached a period where I felt that I wasn’t really able to do much at all. , even creative. I remember being in the workshop one day and thinking, Kirsty, ‘what are you doing? ‘

I was sweeping the floor. And I thought,

” Kirsty, you’re not well.. ‘ If you had a broken leg, a broken arm, a full of the flu, you would be in your bed or  sat on the sofa, bingeing Netflix,  journalling….whatever it is that I needed to rest and recoup , but I wasn’t.

I was still in a way pushing myself to keep going. So then I had maybe a few weeks where I didn’t really do much at all apart from attend my appointments. Lots of walking with the dog. I found this, at the time difficult.  As I am not one for not doing much , not being busy . Yes I see now it was really beneficial to me. To actually completely stop for a while. To just let my body try and reset itself.  It was during that time I began to connect the dots. To see patterns in my life that I keep repeating, that whole people pleasing. Always being that person that everybody expects me to be, I believed I needed to be. Be the person I have  always been and still keep trying to be me now.

Now I find and myself asking, why? Where is this getting me now? What am I doing that’s benefitting me? How am I moving forward? How is this beneficial to myself and my son in the situation that I’m in now?

Sadly, things for me got out of control. I reached a point where I was just was so emotionally vulnerable and everything seemed to trigger me. I made mistakes and let my vulnerability lead me and take over.

Smells,  scenarios, people asking me certain questions in a certain way. I don’t know why these things just became so triggering to me. At the time I didn’t know why, but I think now I do. Looking back , in a little bit of a better place. I can see those triggers and where they came from and why they were / are there. Opening my eyes and mind to begin to see what I need to work on, what I need to focus on now.